Look for God Things, Face Your Fears & Pray Crazy!
I lay in bed looking past Jay brushing his teeth, to a picture that hung on the bathroom wall. The photo was of the three of us two summers before. We’d been dating less than a year. Jadyn was ten.
One simple thought came to mind.
I wish Jay had gotten to know her before she was ten.
Then, without warning, that innocent thought took an unexpected turn, totally blindsiding me.
In three years, Jay will have been a father-figure to Jadyn as long as Randy got to be her daddy.
My heart sank.
Even now, she probably remembers more of her time with Jay than she does with Randy.
And the tears flowed.
I discreetly wiped my cheek with the back of my hand. I don’t want him to see me crying.
With a deep breath, I willed my eyes dry.
It’s ridiculous. We had a great day. Happy. And now I’m crying?
Jay flipped off the bathroom light and crawled in bed. I snuggled up to him, thankful for the darkness.
“Are you okay?”
Busted. How does he do that!?
The tears returned. Relief mixed with frustration. I didn’t want to burden him, but I knew what I’d want if roles were reversed. In broken sentences, I explained how my thoughts had betrayed me.
He pulled me closer.
My words muffled as I spoke against his arm. “I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for your emotions?”
(This is a common theme. I hate emotions. He reminds me it’s normal and nothing to apologize for.)
“I just try not to tell you this kind of stuff.”
He tilted his head, as if looking at me in the dark. “We’re married. That means you don’t have to fight these battles alone.”
Okay. Did your heart just melt? Cause mine did last night when he said that. And that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I’m constantly in awe that this wonderful man is my husband.
This man who, not only proposed to me, but also gave Jadyn a ring and asked her to be his daughter.
This same man, last April, on the sixth anniversary of Randy’s death, held me as I cried like a baby over the loss of my first husband. Who does that and thinks it’s perfectly normal? My husband.
Just last week, he got up at five in the morning to help groom cows and scoop poop. Not because he enjoys it, but because he’s supporting Jadyn.
He sits in the stands at every basketball and volleyball game to cheer for our daughter.
He encourages me in everything I do and even endures critiquing my writing.
He’s considerate and compassionate.
He leads by example and loves us immensely.
But this post isn’t to brag about Jay (even though I could gladly keep going.)
All of this? This is God. God did this.
For years after Randy’s death, I prayed crazy specific prayers. I told God I wanted someone to love Jadyn as his own. Someone to be our spiritual leader. I asked God to not let Jadyn go without a father figure longer than she had Randy. I even told God that if I couldn’t have as good as or a better marriage than Randy and I had, I’d just stay single. I wanted someone who’d love me, not in spite of my baggage, but because of it. I prayed for specific things, even specific dates.
And God answered every prayer.
Every single crazy prayer.
In the years after Randy’s death, I wondered if God really did have someone else for me to love.
And lots of tears. (Stupid emotions.)
I wondered if I’d ever be happy again.
But now, I’m telling you honestly, it was worth the wait.
Looking back, I can see how God was working on each of us separately. Healing us. Growing us. Bringing us to a place where we could be healthy and happy together.
It was definitely worth the wait.
I don’t know where you are right now. Maybe you’re lonely. Divorced. Widowed. Wondering if there is someone out there for you. Or maybe life just hasn’t turned out the way you expected. Maybe you’re left with only questions. Why me? When will I get relief? Where’s God?
I don’t know your story, but I want to encourage you.